It Just Is

I (DeAnna) have struggled off and on for a couple of years now with issues I just can’t seem to “get over.”  This is quite uncommon for me because usually I can get over things and move on, however, I’m not in that kind of resilient place and haven’t been for quite some time.  Jonah’s accident in 2012, rocked me to my core.  When we returned from our time in the USA in 2012.  (Notice I didn’t use the word furlough because it wasn’t a furlough.  We were on family medical leave the whole time and bouncing from one surgeon’s office to another, from one family member’s spare bedroom to another and from one therapy clinic to another).  During our time in the USA in 2012, I was a zombie.  For the most part I was numb and doing what I needed to do in order to get through the day – survival mode.  I apologize to those who felt slighted by me or felt I was aloof.  When we returned to Yaoundé and I saw that basketball goal for the first time, I needed to sit on the bench that used to be by the court.  I was paralyzed.  I felt like I needed to run away, but my feet felt like they were set in concrete.  My heart started racing and my mind starting replaying Jonah’s accident.  I wasn’t even at school working the day he was injured, so I didn’t see the gruesome scene, but I did see the gruesome scene at the hospital and beyond.  Anyway, I went home that day and asked David to give me my passport.  He couldn’t because he turned them into the ministry to receive the residency paperwork needed.  I wanted to get on the next plane leaving and I couldn’t.  I felt imprisoned.  (these symptoms are PTSD symptoms) That’s when I knew I needed help.  I turned to someone who used to serve here as a missionary counselor.  She was helpful and although it took a lot of time and energy, I felt like I could stay and fight, not take the flight response.

When I watch kids play on playgrounds or sports, my mind is thinking through all the worst case scenarios.  I take inventory of medical supplies that would be needed in the event of, if I heard the SIL plane fly overhead because that would mean it’s not available, if a flight is needed is it to late in the day to fly, etc…  When Joshua said he wanted to play soccer, I was excited for him, but also terrified of what could happen.  Luckily I keep these things to myself and don’t express them to others who could get freaked out by it.  Joshua’s soccer season was without injury and I started to release slightly my white knuckle fist of worry.  On September 30, Jonah had a severe asthma attack.  I took on a lot of guilt from it, although I know the guilt is false guilt, I still harbor guilt.  His attack and the support I was giving to Rosalie during the battle with cancer and ultimate death of her grandson, put me into a tailspin.  I started having the same symptoms as before and knew I needed to yet again turn to my friend for help.  She’s been working me with and I greatly appreciate her help.

You may be one that thinks I’m weak and should only turn to God and no one else.  You may be thinking why am I in Cameroon.  You may be thinking a myriad of things.  I’ll only answer one of the speculated questions.

Why am I in Cameroon?  You know, I ask myself this question too.  The simple answer is God called me here and I’m being obedient.  Obedience isn’t easy, isn’t comfortable, isn’t packaged in neat packages.  Do I like Cameroon and wake up every morning feeling like it’s a dream come true?  NO WAY, but I stay because I was called here and that’s the only reason I need.  Does this mean I can’t be called somewhere else?  NO WAY!  God can lead me where He desires. There is a song I was introduced to a few years ago and I recently found it online.  The lyrics are below.

Though I feel afraid of territory unknown
I know that I can say
That I do not stand alone
For Jesus, You have promised
Your presence in my heart
I cannot see the ending
But it’s here that I must start

And all I know is You have called me,
And that I will follow is all I can say,
I will go where You will send me
And Your fire lights my way

What lies across the waves
May cause my heart to fear
Will I survive the day?
Must I leave what’s known and dear?
A ship that’s in the harbour
Is still and safe from harm
But it was not built to be there
It was made for wind and storm

All I Know by Ian White

Comments have been turned off for this blog post.  I just felt led to share, however, it’s hard me to share this and would prefer no comments.

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  1. Pingback: The Years | D squared + J squared = Anderson

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