Discouragement stinks! I think my discouragement is born from my selfishness and my sinful thoughts that I deserve something. I’m a planner, I used to think that my ability to plan things and execute those things were gifts from God, now I think they are sin that has evolved with my human input and desire. In 2011, when it was decided we would return to the USA for three months in 2012 after David accepted a Director role, I started planning. I contacted several services that provide missionary vehicles. One of the services said they were booked solid through 2014. We asked to be put on their 2015 calendar and made a reservation at that time for four years in advance. In October2014, another missionary here was looking at vehicle options for her family and went to the same service only to find out the service went out of business. She told us and upon contacting them found out it was out of business. I was upset at them not notifying us and upset that the vehicle plans fell through. I was discouraged because it messed up my plans and feelings of security. My security should come only from the Lord, but I fall into the trap of feelings of security when necessary things are taken care of.
We thought last week that we would be able to secure housing for our return in 77 days. We felt that things we progressing and then, boom! The whole thing fell through. I was discouraged! The reasons I wanted to live in Pleasant Hill for at least the school year are: the last three years have been very hard emotionally, physically, spiritually and I wanted a place where I didn’t have to learn a new city and be back in a constant learning curve state of mind because my life has been a constant learning curve the last six years and I would like to be able to “let down.” Also the boys have been either homeschooled or attending a small mission school where the two grade level combined classes are less than 20 students per class, so I thought Pleasant Hill would be a happy medium between big city and small town – a great stepping stone back into American education. The price of housing/rent is reasonable/affordable. Family and friends are nearby. Again, I was discouraged because my ideas, desires and plans fell through – it messed up my plans and feelings of security.
I ask myself is it sinful or wrong to desire to have a place to live and a vehicle to drive? I go on my rants to the Lord saying, “God, I’ve given it up – we sold our home to serve you in Cameroon. We sold our belongings to serve you in Cameroon. We sold our vehicles to serve you in Cameroon. We left family, friends and all things comforting and familiar to serve You. Our child lost his finger while serving You. We became nomads for You.” That’s the problem – my attitude. I deep down think that I’ve given so much up and endured so much that I deserve to have a comfortable place to live and deserve to have a vehicle to drive and deserve to be able to choose the schools where the boys will attend.
I don’t have the answers and I can’t honestly say that I’m able to stop wanting, desiring, hoping for necessities like down time, a place to live, a school district we like and a vehicle to drive.